I feel so lost and alone, especially at night, during the day I usually function okay and rarely let the darkness come to the surface, but at night when I try to go to sleep and I used to imagine this future i had planned out with him now I start to think of it and realize that it’s no longer there, Saying good-bye to the images I had created of our life together, our home, our child we were going to have, starting his shop… all of that not being there any more it’s so hard to even comprehend, I had never really planned a future like that before, I had never been so hopeful of having the fulfilling happy life I always wanted before. Now at night it’s like the nothing from The Never Ending Story. remember that  “A hole, that would’ve been something, it was just nothing”  That isn’t an exact quote, but it’s close.

I love, I love to love, I love my love.

so I have several thoughts and they may not be in order so I am going to dive right in.

First: Fat was a necessary tool for survival in ancient times, not only does it insulate you from cold and I believe from some injuries it is also kind of like a savings account to protect against times of starvation. Humans are not evolving fast enough to keep up with our environment, our environment sits well outside the natural order of things and has advanced far beyond the needs of our bodies. If we still lived a day to day existence of hunting and gathering we would not have such a strong tendency toward obesity. I even notice that now that we are getting closer to autumn I am hungry all the time, I have always believed this to be natures way of having us “store up for winter” even though this concept is no longer needed in society it is hard to overrule instinct with logic.

Second: God did not create self consciousness or the modern view of body image, That is all man made. Humans are simply mammals that think too much about what the other mammals think. I don’t think it has ever crossed a deers mind to worry about its weight.

Last thing, this is terrible but I am going to say it anyway if there were to come a time of starvation upon the land it would be the skinny people dropping like flies…and (grimace) all of us fat people would end up eating them and surviving in the end.

I think between phill and my dad I am drowning in male energy. Not that I really desire to be surrounded by women, but my own energy is getting lost in the chaos of testosterone.

Most of my good female friends are so far away now and it is very selfish of me, but it is hard when they all have families and kids and stuff. I am trying to focus on being an open conduit for love and tranquility to flow through. My space is polluted by a constant audio stream of video game noises and war games on the TV . All of my cards lately have told me to seek silence and peace, I need to work harder at finding them inside of me and blocking out the background noise.

As you inhale visualize your heart opening up like a flower bursting open in the sun, allow it to open fully to receive all of the love and light the universe has to offer, with every breath feel the warmth of life infuse your body starting in your chest and expanding outward until it fills you.

Take one more deep deep breath and feel the energy burst forth from you encompassing you and joining you with the oneness of  the world.

With all of these breaths opening you up to receive as you exhale remember to let stuff go to make room, use your breath to push out all negativity, anger, depression, pettiness, and tension. Drain yourself of everything that is not compatible with the free joyous energy that surrounds you.

Peace is only a minute away.

Apparently a chemical called oxytocin is released during nipple stimulation and orgasm that when mixed with estrogen causes feelings of bonding, it is the same chemical released during child birth and nursing that helps mothers form such a strong bond with their child. When oxytocin and testosterone get together they do not seem to have this effect.

So this means that men do not come to feel this biological bonding that women do and makes casual sex casual but women have this biological thing going on that also apparently has a cumulative effect, so the longer a non emotional relationship is carried on the more attached the women becomes.

I find this very interesting and can track these effects through my own experiances.

I carried on a pretty long casual relationship with one person and rarely experienced orgasm so I never felt any emotional connection to him. On the other hand I have had shorter casual relationships with men who knew how to deliver, so to speak, and did find myself thinking more on the emotional aspects of the relationship and imagining future possibilities.

I guess this means if you are looking for a completly unemotional sexual relationship it had better be with someone who is unable to make you climax, and really, whats the point in that?

   Over the hills and far away,   You will see my shadow reflected on your past and the blankness in your future where I should have been. You can turn and call, look under the bushes if you like, but i will be far ahead wrapped up in my own life. You will never know untill it’s too late too late to turn back the clock to change the future, too late for you but not too soon for me. My happiness and fullfillment lies ahead on a path you do not wish to take.

 I am moving on, forging ahead, letting go of the ties that bind me, they were only bound to a hope, a wish, a fantasy. It is now time for reality. I will miss you on that day I believe I will feel your pain even if I’m far away, but I will not rush to your side, because by then there will be someone at mine.

All I wish for is the sheltering strength of  loving arms, light shining forth from the eyes that look into mine, the tenderness of a casual kiss, the passion that is found in the dead of night.

In return I will give my strength, my light, my tenderness, my passion, my heart.

I may be asking for too much, but I am asking for no less than what I deserve I am a fabulous creature of the gods and nature. I am the best thing I can offer to anyone. I AM love, I AM peace, I am the calm nougaty center of the universe.

I will shed my tears, this I know, I cannot lie to myself and say I won’t, I am a creature of strong emotions but also of strength and patiance. I will love freely, loving life in all it’s forms. I connot close off my heart I have tried, so I will open it wide and endure the pain that is inevitable. 

I am me and I will learn to love myself as well as I can love anything, better even than I have loved you.

Went out last night and had a great time, played pool (badly) lost a bet ( had fun in the losing ) and just had an all around great night.

Today Phill and I went four wheelin’ in the Jeep and had a blast, you can definitly have the most fun in a car at 5 mph. We had lunch on the mountain Had to plug a tire and phill got a bee sting on his tounge… all in all a pretty good day.

We went down a quad trail in the Jeep and saw some beutiful forest. Oh I almost forgot some squirrils ran up on us like they were ready for a ninja battle it was funny.

 I also stopped taking my anti depressant I’m fine as long as I don’t think about anything, so I’m considering alcoholism as an alternative….wait, I think that will make me just as sick as the Cymbalta does… Oh well I guess we will have to see what happens I am just going to write stuff on here ass therapy…Congrats if you are reading this you are my new therapist, all you have to do is nod and say “hmm, how did that make you feel”  LOL